Friday, February 27, 2009

if you were a wink, i'd be a nod.

I've been totally out of the blog loop. I will buy a shirt if you have any smalls for me.

I'm feeling so ________...I don't know the word. Insecure? Un-self-confident? I'm like falling apart at the seams at a time when I need to be stitched tight the most!

I'm going through another phase of "omg, i can't be a counselor, i suck at everything, what am i doing with my life?" crap.

I suck at counseling - I'm going to see my first client next week. We did some role-playing with a classmate this week. I was horrible. My body language and nonverbals sucked, and the worst part is that I couldn't even muster a half-way decent empathetic response.

Maybe I don't understand people enough to do this. Maybe I was never meant to do this. But then what is it I should be doing?

Ever since a couple years into college, I've been having trouble with words. I forget the words I need and stumble in my speech. I read books and I write well, so why can't I speak???

I am trying to remind myself that pain and struggle are an UNAVOIDABLE part of living and I would do well to embrace this. Maybe I'm just freaking out and everything will fall into place soon enough. If I run away, quit, whatever, I'd be simply reinforcing myself by avoiding the fear and then I'll never do anything risky. OR maybe I should quit b/c I suck at people.

On another note, wtf is up with Joaquin? Does he actually believe people are fucked up for reacting to his personality/career change the way they are? He's an actor - he understands people and how they work. He must be doing some kind of experiment.


Breezy said...

Hello little person,
Stick with it. You're good at what you do. I've read some of your work, and I've seen your passion for friends, strangers, and civic service.

You're exactly right that you're at the point at which you will question yourself the most because if you continue on with what you're doing, then you've made the final step.

This is your career.

That's a scary thought, and it's one that everyone in grad school experiences. If you would rather do something else, then its not too late to change, but you said yourself that you don't know what you would rather do. Everyone has failings. Grad school is the time to conquer them. I don't know how your program works, but I doubt they would let you have a client if they didn't think you were qualified.

Put on your Nikes and just do it.


Kacey said...

Hey Sarah,

I have spent a lot of time questioning why I have chosen the career path that I have (academic or medical librarian), and whether or not this is really what I want to do. Add those worries to all of the pressure of beginning a career and becoming independent, dealing with the loss of friends through death and suicide, my divorce, and moving away from the people that have been my support system for so many years has made this a really tough transition. I think our generation is going through our mid-life crises early! So, I can understand where you are coming from.

It seems kind of funny to suggest this because of your chosen career, but maybe you should talk to a counselor? I've recently begun seeing one, and it is helping me work through all of these fears that I cannot stop feeling about my future. I can't just turn off my worries and keep going without knowing that I'm doing the right thing, and talking to her has really helped me focus and grow. I probably don't really need to tell you the value of counseling! Ha ha!

I don't think you should ignore your fears because they are indicative of real struggle in your growth as a person. This might be a wake up call, or it might just be insecurity (which is totally normal!). But you won't know unless you really explore who you are and what you want.

Maybe you could also talk to your professors or advisers, people you trust to be honest, about your fears and concerns and ask their advice.

Brad is right in that you probably wouldn't be receiving the support of your faculty if they didn't believe that you were qualified. So take some comfort from that!

I hope you find the strength you need!

Mike Jaynes said...

Like Brad and Kacey said, you are there and got to where you are for a reason. But I know how it is - I pretty much doubt myself as a student of literature, a writer, and a teacher every day. And sometimes the thought that others see something in me as worthy isn't really enough to keep me going. I'm starting to realize that everybody in my program seems to be having the same doubts though. Brad put it well, now is the time to try and overcome this - and if you decide you don't want to keep doing it, that's okay too. But I have no doubt that you've got what it takes and will be a great counselor.

You<3Dru said...

i dont think you should be so hard on yourself about the role-playing... so you arn't an actress, and didnt fake compassion...there is nothing wrong with that.
when i was in jrhigh i got forced to go to a counselor, and i couldnt tell you a single thing about his non-verbals...but he listened to me and gave me unbiased advice. thats all anyone wants.
the other day i told the story about driving around the hotels in nac looking for greendays tourbus.

Anonymous said...

sarah you are crazy so i think you would make a perfect counselor.

i think people just want to be listened to and be assured that they matter(and the unbiased advice dru said).

until you do it many times you are going to be nervous and you are going to have trouble with finding the right words. **just pause and act like you are thinking,maybe take off your glasses and chew on the end of them a little until you can think of the words you want to say. (it'll make you look smart)

i think the your first clients are lucky because once you have been a counselor for a while and you feel less uncomfortable they won't be able to shut you up... and i love you. :)